Why is College so Lonely?

The college years are supposed to be some of the best years of your life, at least that’s what I was told when I was eighteen. Family members praised it as a defining chapter and one where lifelong friendships were made. Hollywood has contributed to this image with numerous movies showing students partying, rarely studying and making friends for life. Why, then, are so many college students lonely?

A recent study reported by the BBC stated that new research showed that “Almost one in four students are lonely most or all of the time.” In August 2022 a study by the food service distributor Sodexo found that “53% of current college students reported that they are currently concerned with feeling lonely” and “47% reported they are concerned with feeling isolated.” Psychology Today notes that the latter part of the first semester when the excitement of everything new wears off and the period when students come back from break seem to be when loneliness spikes on college campuses. Cold weather, established friend circles, stress from the semester and homesickness are all said to be contributors. Some psychologists believe the structural change of moving from high school to college plays a part. Others believe that students are so hyper-focused on getting into their college of choice, that once it happens, it’s a bit of a social let-down. Times for traditions, like various winter holidays, can also be isolating, as students often can’t be with their family members but rather are stuck in their dorm studying. 

I felt this way when I first came to Smith. As an Ada, I was living off-campus during the Zoom year and had to care for my one-year-old baby and contend with the grief of losing special loved ones. I had worked really hard to be here, but I didn’t feel like I was really a part of the Smith community. Once I moved on-campus, I thought it would be easier, yet I felt a totally different kind of loneliness. My differences from the traditional students seemed to be magnified. I was in a completely different phase of my life. Yet now living at Smith I didn’t really fit in with my friends off-campus. I cried in office hours, and I thought I was the only one who felt this way. I imagined that I was the old, awkward nontraditional student who didn’t fit in and that this was as obvious as if I was wearing a neon sign over my head to let anyone know.

I decided to ask others in the Ada Slack thread and was surprised to see that so many felt this way. Comforting as it was to realize others had similar experiences, I still felt lonely. Psychology Today states that “Friendships take time, often years, to develop. Friendships are based on common interests, values, and experiences. Friendships are also based on trust.” Shoot. As a full-time student and mother, I didn’t have any extra time to foster community by meeting up for lunches or get-togethers. I also wasn’t nurturing my established friendships between papers and homework.

Psychologists urge students to acknowledge and understand that loneliness in college is normal. They further suggest to reach out, possibly more than you normally would to develop a support system. Joining a club is always encouraged, and fortunately for Smith students, we have over 140 of them! The Smith Social Network is a great place to explore interests and find one that suits your needs. Connecting with people with common interests, even if you don’t have the time to develop actual friendships, can help you feel less alone. Going to office hours and getting to know your professors can also create a feeling of community and give you the sense of a support system (it can also help you with your paper). Calling old friends or family back home helps maintain connections that are already established and maintains a level of comfort amidst isolation. Changing your mindset when it comes to social media can also help. When I am stressed I ‘doom-scroll’ and it really does appear like everyone else is having so much more fun than me, writing a paper at 2 a.m. It’s good to put social media in context, though, and remember that while it may appear that everyone else “belongs,” it’s performative in nature. Confiding in a friend or even a therapist can also help. The Schacht Center has counseling services to further help in this area.

These are some of the things that have helped me during my time at Smith. And now in my final year, I can actually say I no longer feel lonely. Every person’s comfort level is different, but it’s important to understand that you are not alone. Don’t compare your college experience to others and remember most of all that you belong here.