“Sorry to bother you again!”
“Don’t apologize! You know, since coming to a historically women’s college, I’ve noticed that you all-“
“Say sorry too much?”
This scene happened in office hours with a professor new to the college. I left their office not only with tips for an essay, but a newfound awareness of a problem I didn’t know existed. I knew I could be generous with apologies, but the rest of campus? At an institution created in large part to release us from the fetters of gender, I was surprised that many still have this innate compulsion to apologize.
In the weeks since, I have been bombarded with “sorries.” For accidentally inching a wheeled table to the left, for pronouncing a new piece of vocabulary wrong and for sitting too close to another in the library. Each small inconvenience would be accompanied by profuse self-reproachment that had slipped my notice before only because I, too, was a participant.
Our campus is statistically more likely to apologize; a large percentage identify as women, and it’s no secret that women are, on average, more apologetic than men. But why here, where gender is supposed to no longer limit us? I believe we can all benefit from investigating not only our large picture beliefs about gender and ourselves, but also our daily, seemingly insignificant interactions, because these interactions are where much of our subconscious beliefs about gender seep out. And it is essential to care about these sorts of things, to pay attention to national debates on abortion, on maternal health, on equality in general, and that’s what many Smithies are passionate about. Professional debates and national journalistic interpretations of big gender issues can often fool us into thinking we have transcended preconceived notions of gender. However, what about laughing with friends as we shop or speaking colloquially with a professor? How we use language in these situations means something, even if it seems insignificant or forgettable.
Of course, this isn’t to say that we should engage in a Rachel Hollis-esque, Girl, Stop Apologizing! feminism. There’s some power in manners, in having social customs that guide our interactions. Rejecting these customs entirely isn’t feminism, especially when we reject them only because they are traditionally attributed to women.
I believe there’s some meaning in apologies, and that’s part of why so many Smithies continue to do it. “Sorry” is a simple way of expressing empathy, and it speaks to the culture of the campus that the word permeates so many of our sentences. However, “sorry” moves that empathy into less pleasant territories. With it comes a casual self blame; “sorry to bother you again!” turns into a way to accept blame for…what exactly? Using the resources available to you, such as office hours, in an appropriate way? Stumbling while learning a new language? These incidents don’t warrant an apology—no one has done anything wrong—yet we do it anyway.
So, while we should cut down on our “sorries”, we shouldn’t lose what lies beneath them.Give thanks more, smile more genuinely. These actions convey more of what we really feel than giving a hollow apology. Sensitivity isn’t bad, and we should protect that impulse; but perhaps we should reevaluate how exercising manners turns those sensitivities into moments of contrition. So, no, Smithies shouldn’t stop apologizing completely, but when “sorry” slips out, we should ask ourselves why.
