I first heard the term “situationship” a few months ago — on TikTok, unsurprisingly. For those not privy to this new Gen Z terminology, allow Urban Dictionary to break it down for you:
“Let’s just chill, have sex, and be confused on the fact that we are not together but have official emotions for each other.”
Or, there’s my personal favorite:
“When one or two motherfuckers take part in a relationship, but out of fear of making things serious or messy, do not label it, leading to said relationship, ironically, becoming more serious and messier.”
Essentially, these definitions vaguely refer to a relationship (dare I call it that!) that’s not quite a relationship, but usually involves some intimacy and perhaps the occasional rendezvous that resembles a date, sans any labels. My initial reaction to this knowledge had me wondering why we seem to be doing everything we can to deny ourselves romantic attachment. What happened to courtship? “Going steady”? How about good old fashioned dating? Or just hooking up? There’s nothing wrong with a casual, mostly sexual relationship, but why did we feel the need to coin a word for this weird, vague, in-between scenario? Are things no longer allowed to exist in ambiguity?
For those of you who, like me, find the label of “situationship” both redundant and distasteful, I’ve compiled a list of appropriate synonyms that I think I’ve arranged in somewhat of a spectrum:
- Recurrent Tinder hookup
- Friends-with-benefits
- Nothin’ serious
- “Seeing each other”
- Fling
- “Special Friend”
- “Thing”
- Casually dating
- Undefined romantic relationship
Despite my resignations (and all the TikToks I’ve seen of “texts from my situationship,” which range from normal and couple-y to mildly toxic), a few months later, I seem to have found myself partaking in one or two of these contentious situationships.
But when one is in a situationship, one does not typically go around announcing “I’m in a situationship!” (notice the pseudonym?), nor does one introduce one’s situationship by saying: “This is _______, my situationship.” I’m not saying you can’t do that, but I think you’d get more than a few judgy looks. And your situationship might get a little weirded out, too. The whole point of a situationship is that neither person acknowledges it as anything.
I must say though, I can’t complain; using this strange, invisible label gives me peace of mind that neither I nor my paramour know exactly what the nature and bounds of our relationship are. It’s like having an unspoken agreement that neither of us are sure of what we want (or we, at least, don’t want to admit that we know what we want) and we’re okay with that.
My experience of the infamous situationship is thus: sex, somewhat date-y hangouts, lots of texting and awkwardly acknowledging each other in public settings. It’s not just hooking up, but it certainly doesn’t resemble a long-term relationship. Going into my various situationships, I had these intentions in mind, which I think is why I’ve been mostly satisfied with them. I knew I didn’t want a serious relationship, but I did want to hang out and have fun with another person and also sometimes make out with them.
Of course, it’s not always that simple. There is the inevitable worry that one or both participating members will catch feelings for the other; usually it’s with unreciprocated liking where you’ll find yourself in trouble. If you’re in a “relationship” in which no clear boundaries have been established, how are you supposed to know what is — and isn’t — overstepping? If you’ve never had the “feelings” talk — probably because you think having the “feelings” talk would mean overstepping some undefined boundary — how are you supposed to interpret the other person’s intentions and actions? It’s a totally natural inclination to want to protect oneself from getting hurt in any sort of romantic engagement. It’s also understandable when feelings do arise. That’s why communication is important — which is, I’m sure, something you’ve never heard before.
But who needs communication when you can both play an endless guessing game of wondering what the other one is thinking?
I think the situationship has an extra special place at Smith College. We go to a small school. Many of us are queer. When you put those two factors together, everyone is connected, as I like to say. When a situationship (or whatever you want to call it) ends badly, there is the unfortunate inevitability that you will still have to interact with each other in some capacity. There’s also a good chance that you run in similar social circles, or maybe you were casual friends or acquaintances before you embarked on the friends-to-lovers pipeline. But I guess you’ve got to learn to live with it.
Needless to say, the situationship isn’t exactly the relationship model to emulate. Given the number of toxic situationships I’ve witnessed second-hand, they seem to attract people who aren’t exactly great with communication, not excluding myself. But maybe being in a situationship (that starts out okay, but inevitably ends in toxicity and enmity) builds character. It’s been okay for me so far, but I’ll keep you updated.
