What does it feel like to be alive?
I’m not talking about the word in the sense of a heart beating and lungs breathing. I’m talking about unabridged, unedited and unrestrained conversations with a new friend, venturing into a new place for the first time, having preconceived ideas shattered after learning something new. I’m talking about being uncomfortable.
Amidst the constant chaos of the world around me — after all, we are immersed in perpetual political turmoil, unrelenting academic pressures and the gratification and occasional challenges of social navigation — I have always found solace in the control I have over my own being. What that means for me, on a basic level, is that hunger leads me to Noodles in Northampton, sadness leads to calling my mom and stress leads to a run on the Rail Trail. Control ebbs its way into my life in other ways, too. For example, I’ve constructed and held myself to a vision, plans and a “roadmap” in order to achieve my goals.
Here in Valparaíso, Chile, I don’t have that control. I’m immersed in a language which I’m still merely learning. I’m living in a colorful, cluttered, serendipitous city in a country at the bottom of the globe. I’m surrounded by interesting, layered, intelligent and driven people. I’m learning about the pain and repercussions of a country in the aftermath of a 20-year military dictatorship. I’m eating chorrillana, empanadas, terremotos, churripan and completos — food that is new to my palate. I’m acquainting myself with the rowdy, lively, late-night fondas, parties and clubs. I’m sharing meals and conversations with marginalized indigenous groups. Gardens and parks are filled with plants and flowers that I don’t even know the names for in English. Here in Valparaíso, I’m not in control.
I’m uncomfortable.
And that’s so important.
Being out of my comfort zone has pushed me to get to know myself in a new way and on so many different levels. I’m learning to attune myself with my intuition and to be honest with where I am and how I feel. I have developed a respectful understanding and empathy towards myself, starting to shred destructive self-judgements. I’ve even begun to find comfort in those moments in which I’m without control.
On top of my personal revelations, I’m in class learning about the many layers to the history of this country. My program focuses on the social justice, cultural identity and community development in Chile, and I am absorbing all I can about the Spanish language.
I’ve been in Valparaíso since August. By no means has this experience been easy, and I know that it shouldn’t be. From the challenges I’ve experienced — and will continue to experience — I’m growing.
At Smith, I am challenged in my classes, balancing my work load and figuring out internships. While abroad, my challenges have come in a different form. Being in Chile has helped me grow in a way I’m not sure I would have been able to if I were at Smith. It has given me the opportunity to expand my understandings of the functioning of the world, the diversity of the human experience and of my own personal complexities. It has been an experience that I know will stay with me forever.
