This September, I was lucky enough to be the breaker-upper or the broken-up-ee three times. This has jump started my romantic career. I went from having one breakup under my belt to four, all in the course of four weeks. I can now scientifically declare myself the Breakup Queen. Luckily for you, I am not going to lock this knowledge away in my castle, but share my breakup expertise with you. Maybe one day you will experience as many breakups as me and be a break up queen as well. If you’re lucky.
I know what you’re thinking: “You can’t declare yourself the Breakup Queen if you and your boyfriend keep breaking up over and over.” To that I say, there are no rules to relationships. And it is far more fun to be perpetually in breakup mode and madly-in-love mode than be like the five people in my vegan co-op, who have all broken up with their long-term girlfriends this September and now eat a lot of non-dairy Chocolate Fudge Brownie Ben and Jerry’s ice cream.
The biggest rule to breaking up is that none of your friends are going to know how to react to your sadness. Some will pull you out of the party where you are all dancing with 60-year-old, grey-haired ladies, walk you home, make you lay in bed with them, and force you to cry about your feelings. This method takes ‘giving you a shoulder to cry on’ slightly too far, but just remember that it’s because they care.
Another common response is force-feeding you ice cream. If you are like me, and have a light anaphylactic reaction to dairy, this is also not ideal. I sat at my kitchen table, and someone brought me a freshly made milkshake from Local Burger and stared at me across the table as my throat tightened with every sip. Clearly this method also is all about ‘it’s the thought that counts.’
The final method, which I think works best, is the Egg Method. When you inevitably have not eaten for two days because of your breakup sadness, your roommate will look at you and know exactly what to do. She will take out the pan that your now ex-boyfriend-then-boyfriend gave you for a Hanukkah present, load it up with butter, and make you a fried egg with a perfectly runny yolk. This will remind you that you are a simple girlie with simple pleasures. You can get over this hurdle as long as you remember to take care of yourself.
Breakups can be hard, especially when they coincide with your 22nd birthday. But no timing is ever good, and your love and loss will all be worth it in the long run.
And just remember: you can always get back together.
