“I guess you wonder how you got to where you are?”
That is the first line of the introduction to Blair Sorrel’s (ʼ77) memoir, “A Schizoid At Smith.” While a clinician in 1988 is the one who poses that question, it is Sorrel who seeks to answer it. In the foreground of the story, Sorrel invites us on a coming-of-age journey all while in the background her ever-present Schizoid Personality Disorder (SPD) lurks on every page. Drawing on her experience as a student at Smith College, Sorrel expresses the difficulty of feeling socially inadequate and the pressure of keeping up with the expectations engulfed in higher education. Her raw and gripping narrative juxtaposes an extremely personal storyline with an extremely impersonal writing style.
Schizoid Personality Disorder is a psychological condition “marked by a consistent pattern of detachment from and general disinterest in social relationships.” The memoir retells Sorrel’s life from childhood to her experience as a Smith College student coping with SPD in the 70s. While the book highlights her early relationships and experiences, the centerpiece of the narrative surrounds her experience with SPD.
Sorrel takes the readers into her world and her condition, with disorganized prose and frequent narrative jumps from topic to topic without explanation. The authorial voice is distant and matter-of-fact. This style can be jarring with multiple rereads in order. Even though this can feel disorienting and confusing at times for readers, the style and language are consistent with SPD. The language and format are purposeful, if difficult to digest.
One of the most compelling developments throughout the memoir is the relationship between Sorrel and her parents. She writes about her parents’ lack of emotional connection offering possible insights into the root of her SPD. Sorrel’s relationship with her parents is entrenched in her parents’ own lives as survivors of World War II, and helps to establish the national and global landscape she grows up in.
Her story takes place in the late 20th century during immense social and political changes. She describes her teachers’ and parents’ contradicting thoughts on school integration in addition to her experience moving to the suburbs. Sorrel references cultural developments such as Beatlemania and the emerging era of rock and roll. The country transformed from the conventionist rulebook of the 60s to a radical explosion of eccentricity in the 70s.
In the latter part of the book, Sorrel explores themes of friendships and romance during her time at Smith College through the lens of SPD. As her world expands, Sorrel experiences the trials inherent to being a young person with SPD. Folks with SPD “do not want or enjoy close relationships and do not have, or have very little, desire for sexual activity.” She described the omnipresent “Angel of Asexuality” looming over her. This naturally complicates her college experience. The reader pieces together the difficulties Sorrel has in building meaningful and personal connections even through the pragmatic description of her time at Smith.
Her experience at Smith College is also marked by the pressure to live up to expectations. She conveys personal feelings, and feelings of other friends and alumni, of needing to have it all. This struggle poses additional difficulties for her as a “schizoid.”
Overall, the memoir seeks to answer the question asked in the introduction: how did Sorrel end up a self-proclaimed underachiever? Are the unrealistic expectations set by her parents and prestigious higher education institutions such as Smith College to blame for her circumstance? Sorrel recounts her story through such a personal form as a memoir, while simultaneously being hindered from connecting with others due to her SPD.
Memoirs are defined by personal and intimate narratives such as “Glass Castle” by Jeanette Walls and “Night” by Elie Wiesel. Sorrel’s literary choice is compelling because her SPD hinders her from connecting with people in these personal and intimate ways. She shatters the idea of what a memoir is, and in doing so, creates a unique new definition. “A Schizoid At Smith” is private yet incredibly personal at the same time, allowing Sorrel to turn the memoir form upside down.
