“Dear Sophian, I feel lonely at Smith. During my first year, I wasn’t really participating in house events or extracurricular activities, is it too late to make friends?”
Dear Smithie,
Let’s be honest, loneliness is something we all experience. The first year of college is especially hard. There’s enormous pressure to establish a friend group right away so that you’re not left behind. But finding people you connect with takes time.
I’ll admit my first semester at Smith was rough. I’m an introvert, very awkward and come from a small town in California where I knew everyone.
Moving across the country, away from everyone I knew, was lonely. For thefirst time since I was six, I was challenged to go outside of my comfort zone to meet people.
I’m still figuring things out, but I’ve picked up a bit of wisdom along the way. Most importantly, I’ve learned that it’s never too late to make friends.
The key to making friends is to put yourself in social situations. Join in on a conversation in class, attend a club meeting, venture into Northampton or one of the other consortium schools.
Chances are, if the activity interests you, you’ll meet like-minded people. And by exploring new things, you’ll meet people that you might never have talked to otherwise.When you’re getting to know people, pay attention to small details that might lead to future conversations.
When making friends, it’s easy to let negativethoughts take control. If you’re anything like me, you fear rejection and you want (even expect) the other person to make the first move. You feel safe assuming “if they don’t ask me to hang out, it means they don’t want to.” But what if we’re all just waiting for the other person to make the first move?
Worrying about everything that could go wrong doesn’t help anyone; life goes on, even if someone says no to you. Instead, consider the exciting possibility that they say yes. People can surprise you with their openness. Also on the flip side, be open to getting to know those who bravely make the first move.
Start taking some risks, and no matter what happens, be kind to yourself.
There’s no magical one-size-fits-all friendship-making formula. You could waste time worrying and over-strategizing, or you could start meeting people and learning what works for you.
There’s a big difference between knowing the need to be socially brave, and actually being socially brave.
Putting yourself out there is scary, but I’ve learned that it’s okay to go at your own pace. Set reasonable goals (e.g. “today, just show up.”), so that you are always setting yourself up for success.
Nobody forms long lasting bonds after one interaction. Relationships take time. And remember, making friends isn’t just about finding your soulmate. It’s also about getting to know people that you simply enjoy saying hello to.
Sometimes I envy those who have perfect friend groups, or seem to at least. I often catch myself making assumptions about others’ friendships that become unrealistic ideals I compare myself to.
Nobody talks about their low moments, so it’s easy to feel alone. But the truth is, everyone feels lonely.
At the very least, there’s me and there’s you, dear anonymous Smithie. But I have a hunch that there are many others that feel just like us. Although we feel lonely, we are not alone.
