Advice given by Phoebe Rak ’24, Editor in Chief
Help!
I made a friend online before the start of this year, and she was super cool, but now that we’re both back on campus, the vibes aren’t matching up. Since classes have started, all she does is complain about her workload, and it is becoming mentally draining to be around her. I’ve sent signals that I think we should part ways, but she hasn’t noticed. What do I do?
– Digitally Dismayed
Dear Digitally Dismayed,
One of the things I distinctly remember about starting at Smith and meeting the “digital” friends I had made either during Zoom classes or via Instagram was the disappointment I felt when the connection we seemed to have wasn’t quite there when we met in person.
However, something has changed my view on friendships in general which I think may be helpful to you. It’s something called the “fatal flaw theory.” The gist of the theory is that with every friendship there is a “fatal flaw,” or something that is going to cause you the most distress. It is up to you to decide if this is something you can accept or not. If it is not, then you have to decide to rethink the friendship (note: my word choice is rethink, not end).
By thinking about your friends through this fatal flaw theory, you may realize that some of your friends’ fatal flaws are little annoyances that you can overlook. It may make you appreciate some friends more and place more value on true friendships. It also may make you realize that there are some friendships in your life that should be rethought.
Sometimes we worry that if we have traits that don’t align with our friends’, it means that these people are not a good fit for us. However, it can be helpful to realize that these flaws are not always worth ending friendships over.
Oftentimes, when we grow out of friendships or decide that someone’s “fatal flaw” is something you are not willing to accept, it feels that these friendships need to have an official “ending.” This is not necessarily true.
In your case, it appears that this friend’s constant complaining about their workload is taking a toll on your mental health. It’s essential to prioritize your own well-being in any friendship. If you decide that this aspect of your friendship is too taxing for you, it might be time to rethink your level of your involvement with this friend.
You don’t necessarily have to end the friendship explicitly. Instead, you can try distancing yourself gradually. Respond less frequently to messages or make yourself less available for in-person hangouts when you’re not up for it. Friendships often evolve naturally, especially those formed at the beginning of school.
I had a similar situation with a friend I met on my first day of high school. Once school started, I became fast friends with a girl named Katie, and she almost immediately invited me to a Jason Derulo concert. Over time, we found our own friends with whom we aligned better, and the Jason Derulo tickets (unfortunately) were offered to someone else. Katie became my “first day of school friend.” I still follow her on Instagram and would say “Hi” if I ran into her, but our relationship isn’t much more than that, which is okay.
Friendships come in various forms and depths, and not all of them need to be profound or have a formal ending. It’s entirely acceptable to have different types of friends for different purposes and levels of closeness.
Remember that friendships are fluid and can change over time. You’ll encounter numerous friends during your journey at Smith, and the dynamics with each of them will evolve naturally. This is a normal part of life, and it’s essential to prioritize your own well-being and happiness.
Love, Sophia
