Picture me, in 2019, sitting on a couch at some UMass guy’s house while a party slowly died around me. I only came to this party because my Smith friend was invited by a Tinder date and wanted backup. Now she was upstairs fucking him and I was alone on a couch as people hugged each other goodbye and ordered Ubers home. Only the core crowd remained: housemates and their partners listening to Carrie Underwood and eyeing the mystery dyke on their hetero UMass couch. I didn’t want to leave my friend, but I also didn’t want to make conversation with randos when all I wanted to do was sleep.
Then something magical happened. Well, if not magical, then at least fortuitous.
A greasy, lanky college boy pulled out a little yellow bottle, put it up to his nose, and inhaled. Seeing as I was somewhat of a party kid in high school, I was hip to the chase.
“Are those poppers?” I asked him.
“Hell yeah,” he said.
And just like that the tension of being someone’s first-hookup-security-buddy faded, now I was one of the (shockingly straight) guys. We swapped stories and laughed as alkyl nitrites filled our brains. By the time my now-disheveled friend came down the stairs, I didn’t want to leave. Thanks to an unassuming bottle of chemicals, I had made friends for life (or at least the next month).
So, what are poppers? For those of you who don’t know, poppers are a club drug, derived from chemicals that you inhale to feel a cigarette-like head rush. They also loosen up your muscles, including your anus, hence why poppers are stereotypically associated with gay male culture. But regardless of sexuality or gender, you (yes, you!) can enjoy poppers.
Since I, the writer of this column, am nothing if not a controversy-monger, I do want to state that everything I’m saying in this article is jest. No, you should not do poppers. Don’t be peer pressured by a student newspaper into doing ’90s club drugs — seriously, don’t. With this article, all I want to do is pose a question: What if poppers became big at Smith College?
I didn’t pull this topic out of thin air, as random as it may seem. This semester as I was enjoying a brisk walk to the campus center, a group of students passed me by, laughing and joking with one another. One of them loudly said “Smith should have more poppers!” right as I passed by. Of course, I shouted back to them, “Hell yeah!” At the time, it was just a joke, but it really got me thinking: why aren’t there more poppers on Smith College campus?
Here’s my thought process:
- Antiquated, short lived drugs are coming back in fashion. Smithies all over the place are smoking cigarettes, vaping and consuming nicotine in many forms, why not poppers? They’re fun, kind of retro and last barely 45 seconds.
- Poppers are fun! They’re a novelty and they make parties exciting and edgy.
- Smithies already appropriate gay male culture, so why not take their drugs, too?
- Smith needs some weird drug lore because right now we are painfully tame.
I know some of you will disagree with this, find fault in my argument and try to censor me and to that, all I can say is this.
