I was sitting in my 60-person Chinese politics class when my phone rang—a 413 area code I did not recognize. I let it go to voicemail. Out of boredom about the discussion of privately and publicly owned firms, or possibly out of my fear that I had received the call that would lock me in the Ellery for the next two weeks, I looked at the voicemail transcript. It was a vague message from the Schacht Center telling me to call them back as soon as I could.
At this point, I was scared. I left class and called them back. I did not have the disease I expected them to say I had, but I did have HPV.
I’ve been through enough American sex-ed classes to be scared about STIs, and I’ve had enough sexual experience to not use a condom as often as I should. I get tested for STIs regularly at the Schacht Center, like a well-informed hoe, and figure most STIs can be treated with antibiotics anyways.
What I didn’t learn from all my sex education is that getting the news about an STI is terrifying. You feel totally normal, like you could have sex with anyone: on the street, in the CC, or perhaps with one of the starters on the basketball team, per se. All of a sudden, the ethics of the situation get flipped. You become a walking CDC hazard. You feel like all of your actions finally have brought you to the punishment you deserve. Giving alcohol to first years during Convocation and cheating on your self-scheduled Seelye exam destroyed your karma and has now culminated in this Schacht Center call.
After the initial panic passed, I realized HPV is no ordinary STI. I learned some key HPV tips that I can now impart onto you. First of all, this is not an STI you can get tested for in your average test; you have to get a pap smear in order to find it. This means getting completely naked in a doctor’s office with your feet on the foot pedals. Your doctor will ask you to scooch forward three or four times until you are finally far enough off the bench to even begin this exam. The smear is supposed to be done, according to some doctors, when you turn 21 with a follow up every five years.
The second important fact I learned is that there are over 100 types of HPV, according to the Mayo Clinic. Only two are cancerous and the HPV vaccine covers nine types. This means that there are over 91 types of HPV that you are not covered for, even with your vaccine.
The last fact I learned is that people with penises cannot get tested for HPV. They can AND WILL give it to you, but they will never know if they have it.
The Schacht Center then sent me a referral to a gynecologist. As soon as I walked through the doors of Bay State Hospital, my doctor chortled at me and sent me home. She explained that gynecologists don’t do anything for twenty-somethings with HPV—the risk of damaging your cervix is too high. Further research showed that most HPV cases will go away without treatment, and according to the Mayo Clinic, it’s only the “high-risk” infections that pose immediate trouble. My body will fix itself within two years, and if it doesn’t that’s when it’s time to start worrying. With my HPV experience in my past I am left with some advice: get tested for STIs regularly, and if you see me at the Schacht center feel free to write a letter-to-the-editor about whatever is floating in your pee cup.
