It’s a pretty simple story: I was a visionary. A less persistent soldier might have given up: quarantined in a city straddling the Connecticut River with no suitable lovers to straddle me. There were slim pickings on campus and the townies were grody — what’s a girl to do?
For the intimacy I craved, I resorted to one of the oldest tricks in my book: a hunt for the oddest or most cryptic vanity plates that the Pioneer Valley had to offer, which I would snapchat to an old crush across the globe with the caption, “Reminded me of you…” It never fails.
Soon enough I found myself in not my first but my second long distance relationship of the pandemic, building up anticipation to what felt like a fantastical rendezvous. I still felt romantically isolated, just now with emotional investment in someone laughably divided from me. We had to ask ourselves how to hack the distance between us, in lieu of flying each other out. More precisely, the question was how to fulfill The 5 Love Languages of our emotional and physical needs from afar.
It would be nice if we could, as Kali Uchis once said, hacer el amor por telepatía, but sadly we are still evolutionarily a few steps away from telepathic love-making. Until then, this piece will shed light on some of the creative solutions learned from years of long distance experience.
- Gift giving.
The gift givers among us are in luck. A thoughtful gift is a fairly simple surprise for your long distance boo. Whether it is a delivery of their preferred aphrodisiac or a package containing that comfort item they’re too stubborn to get for themselves, giving and receiving gifts periodically in a long distance relationship keeps the soul well fed.
The possibilities are limitless — from classic gifts, like chocolates or an edible arrangement, to something a little spicier … a wide range remote control vibrator perhaps? There’s no better reward for gift giving than to see the precious look of surprise and appreciation on your partner’s face, so make it a date and plan to Facetime for the unboxing.
- Acts of service.
Busy schedules, different time zones and screen fatigue particularly burden long distance couples. As much as we might want to, it feels impossible to lighten your partner’s load from so far away. Trust, however, that distance is one of life’s greatest illusions when it comes to acts of service.
It boils down to getting creative in order to help your partner, through acts of service that can transcend distance. Identifying these is no straightforward task, but it often starts with a simple text: wyd?
Working on a presentation for class? You can practice it on me! Need someone to proofread your work? Send it over, babes. Guessed the wrong password too many times? Use my account! Can’t decide which new show to binge? Let me do some research! And most importantly: You’re finally coming to see me!? Of course I will pick you up from the airport!
You get the idea. A series of small gestures can turn out to be really meaningful in the long run.
- Quality time.
Remember the Among Us phase of quarantine? It was all me and my boo did together. I was yellow. My partner was orange. Every time. We worked together to defeat the internet strangers and on the off chance when we were both imposters, the match was legendary. Still, there is much more to be done than play games together.
Real meaningful quality time can be implemented into your daily routine, regardless of time zone. If your partner is worth it, you find a way. We dedicated an hour to Facetime each other each day, and when the Wi-Fi started to interfere switched to Whatsapp or just an audio call for a less data-heavy alternative.
What kinds of quality dates can be had over a video call? Start up a free TeleParty! Don’t have the same streaming services as your partner? Try Watch2Gether to watch YouTube, Vimeo or Twitch videos and songs together in sync for free. Something more engaging? HouseParty still exists! Set up a private “party” and play games like pictionary, trivia, and more together.
- Physical touch (yourself).
Perhaps the trickiest of the Love Languages to engage from afar. Working up to a place where you and your partner are both comfortable with practices like mutual masturbation or using remote control sex toys on each other can be a lot more challenging than preparing for in-person intimacy. Take baby steps before diving into the deep end.
Be patient with each other. Does physical touch need to be sexual? Try exchanging sweatshirts with your partner, if possible. Wearing or holding something with their scent is the long distance cousin of physical touch. Ask yourself what your endgame is. Is the goal of your relationship to close the distance gap one day? Or, does this relationship bank on its virtual component? Both are fine as long as you have clear expectations and adjust your conception of physical intimacy accordingly.
- Words of affirmation.
Naturally adapting to distance, words of affirmation are often the foundation of long distance relationships. As straightforward as they may seem, make sure you and your partner are keeping it dynamic with the ways you express words of affirmation to each other. Wi-Fi may not always be on your side, but when it is, prepare words of affirmation for video and audio calls. Texting is a great and efficient way to affirm your partner—try mixing it up with voice messages, invisible ink messages, or gift box messages that add to the suspense of receiving affirming words from your partner. You may even be lucky enough to have a partner in the same country as you, to whom it is not so difficult to send the occasional handwritten letter.
There will be days when none of the above are meeting the communication needs of your relationship. It might feel sometimes like you and your partner are so out of sync, with an inconsolable distance between you. These moments do pass. Ask yourself which love language you’re missing and have a frank conversation with your partner about ways you both feel comfortable hacking the distance. Above all, remember that these are just a few suggestions and ideas, but there is much uncharted territory to explore between you and your partner; be creative.
