When I first considered transferring to Smith during my freshman year, I was intrigued by the possibility of attending a small liberal arts college. I was deeply unhappy and unfulfilled at St. John’s University, a large Catholic university close to my home in New York City. There was no strong sense of community or engagement on campus, and the school felt like the wrong fit. In high school, I struggled to fit in among high-achieving peers who aimed to attend schools like Smith. My self-esteem was low, and I wondered whether I should even bother going to college. I decided to attend St. John’s because it seemed like the most realistic option and I didn’t know what else to do. When I arrived on campus, I realized why my peers had cared so much about finding the right fit. Everything began to click: college is a formative, once-in-a-lifetime experience. I wasn’t actually living during my time at St. John’s. I was just surviving from day to day and racking up credits.
As I began to research the transfer process, I figured I might as well try my luck and apply to some top liberal arts schools. If I could do well academically at St. John’s, there was no reason I wouldn’t get in to at least one. The more I researched Smith, the more I knew I had to apply. I was intrigued by the fact that it was a historical women’s college, and I got the sense that there was a tight-knit campus community. When I was accepted, I was shocked. A year and a half prior, I didn’t think it was even worth the time and money for me to go to college. I attended the accepted students program and felt that I had found the perfect fit socially and academically. I knew leaving home would be hard, but I felt that I could push through. What couldn’t I handle after spending a year at a school that felt so wrong?
Now that I am on campus, I’m more ambivalent about my decision to come here. I pictured being at Smith as a fantasy in which my life, and myself, would be transformed into something completely new. I thought I would prove that I was as worthy as the kids I was always comparing myself to and ultimately become as perfect as they seemed. Smith is definitely a different and objectively better environment. My life path has undeniably been altered. But what I didn’t anticipate was that I would still just be me. It was a painful moment upon realizing that Smith wouldn’t fix everything. I’m still trying to find the missing ingredient so I can feel as comfortable here as everyone else seems to. As someone who is introverted and has trouble making social connections, I’m struggling to find my niche and form solid friendships. As a transfer student, I’m in an especially awkward social position. I can’t relate to first-years who have never been to college. But when I spend time with returning students, frequent references to people and events from previous years make me feel like I’ve missed too much to catch up and be fully “in.” In short, the transition has been rough.
My time here so far has involved meeting great people, joining clubs I genuinely enjoy and pushing myself academically. On the flipside, my experience has also involved spending hours sobbing on the phone with my mom as she pleads with me to come back home. Some days, I seriously think about going back to New York and never mentioning Smith again. Other days, I wonder why I would ever consider going back to anything that resembles my old life. But Smith has ultimately taught me that I have to live with myself no matter where I go or what I do. I am still the same person at Smith as I was at St. John’s. The rest of college will hopefully continue to shape me into a smart, productive adult. But more importantly, the time ahead will force me to accept myself and push through the struggles that make happiness elusive everywhere on earth.
